Electric Heart

I'm just getting home from Wicker Park Grace. We had a taize service tonight. It's my second favorite service, I think, just behind jazz vespers. Taize worship was born out of the Taize community in France. It usually involves singing a few verses in repetition as a way of spiritual...uh, engagement. I'm not long on words tonight so I'll let you discover for yourself what it sounds like. It's the music that seems to get me, but in a good way.

I was just listening to Generosity by Mirah. I wish I could find a way to play it here. You can listen to it here, though. It's the first track.

Lately I'm keeping my small notebook in my lap during church. I wrote a lot tonight. I don't feel the need to write expansively in my notebook since it's just for me, but I often challenge myself to do so, just as a practice. I figure it's good for my brain and I want to drop the chances that I will just be all drooly at 90.

I'm not going to write here all that I wrote. Can you imagine if we shared with (a small chunk of) the world all we bothered to jot down? I guess that's the stuff we reserve for those closest to us. Close community and lovers, sometimes family.

1. I'm starting to understand and feel a bit better a genuine Christianity that doesn't rely on atonement theology. Genuine, as in something that has roots and can stick, something that is real and isn't just a pleasant belief system to make us feel good about pain. Part of this expanded sense of Christianity is through my fellowship with the Beatitudes Society, which asks our participation in testing out a curriculum for future fellows. More importantly, the fellowship and Society try to get "progressive" Christian leaders to be more articulate and vocal about their Christianity. (More on this later. Much more, I think. Also, I can't say "'progressive' Christianity" without making little quotation marks in the air with my fingers. I don't have many compulsions, but that is one of them.)

2. My church isn't perfect. I come there for spiritual... opening and to see a chunk of my community, including some of the people who know me best and who honor me with their friendships and presence.

This is important. That place is important.

Parts of me that go into a coma during the school year get to awaken in this spiritual community. I don't have spiritual community at school, though it is full of spiritual people, so I am going to get all that I can this summer while I am in Chicago.

3. We probably get to find God through relationship with other humans. (We may get it some in nature.) Shitty as it might be, it's also one of the greatest things we can figure out; that is, how to relate well to people. We have to deal with this and learn it so that when we are confronted by relationships that seem to matter on a deeper level, we don't freak (or freak-the-fuck-out, as my minister friends like to say) out. This crap isn't easy.

4. I'm thinking about vulnerability some these days. Over the years, we've all had a spectrum of messages about being vulnerable to others. We don't get to be known, er, we don't let others know us unless we make ourselves vulnerable. But we don't get hurt if we don't let ourselves be vulnerable.

There is a good chunk of society that is deeply afraid of being hurt. Some people get this sudden awareness of when they are becoming vulnerable and they fight it. So, we have all sorts of defenses that arrive in a second, many that may not even seem like what they really are. Some time our defenses are attacks.

Maybe, as a starting point, we can just try not to hurt each other, and see where we go from there. I don't know what the answer is. There will be hurt that occurs regardless of others' intents, but we could probably do each other a favor by reducing the chances that we hurt another. No games?

What do you think?

5. I'd like to make music again.

Here's some food for thought. Yes, I know it's Psychology Today. It's fine. "Testing your illusions of certainty about your emotions is the key to happiness, better relationships, healing, and growth." Well ain't that simple.

Female Impersonator (update)

Check out Female Impersonator, which featured my recent post on body comments from men on the street. My awesome friend Lindsay is one of the authors there.

"Women are all female impersonators to some degree" is the blog's title. Chew on that for a while.

Added:

Oh! Check out this post from Racialicious. It's long and clearly addressing race and body issues, specifically rear-ends of black women.

While many people voice appreciation for my body and how it is shaped, both men and women often feel as though the simple presence of my ass allows for them to take whatever action they see fit.

When my best friend threw me a Bollywood/Hollywood party for my 22nd birthday, she enlisted the help of a family friend so we could properly wear our saris. The other girls passed without comment. When it was my turn to be wrapped, she checked out my gluteus maximus and declared I was lucky to have such a high and round rump, before giving it an appreciative slap while tucking in the folds of cloth. This was not new behavior. Women in my family would playfully slap my ass while trying to figure out “how I stole all the butt in the family,” or other girls in gym locker rooms would somehow be unable to stop staring at my ass while I changed from towel to pants.

And don’t get me started on the liberties men think they can take. Most of the oft-ignored hollering takes the form of “Hey, girl with the big ass…you know I’m talking to you!”

This idea that my behind has somehow become communal property is intertwined with the history of race and gender in our society.

Now that's an interesting idea. She continues on for a while, speaking about images of black beauty and white beauty and ideals. I'm finding an interesting internal conflict on booty comments.

I highly doubt there is ever an easy way to reconcile the sexual self with what is influenced by society. Or to reconcile our love/hate relationships many women have with our bodies. When we engage in behavior that is seemingly contradictory, to me, it’s just a way of coping. This is why many women use the realm of lyrics and music videos to tap into their own sexuality while still rejecting the sexist messages promoted. Or why one may wish to dress to accentuate their own curves while rejecting the idea that the shape of their body makes them community property.

It’s a complicated question, as life so often is. What one woman finds empowering, others may find limiting. We like to default to the idea that a woman’s choices are all the matters, but we also ignore that fact that our choices are not made in a vacuum.

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I was wearing this pretty dress the other day. It falls just below the knee, has short sleeves and a sort-of wrap-around waist. I went to the market on Bryn Mawr to buy fava beans and a grapefruit. As I was crossing the street, I received a bunch of comments from a guy and his pal. I spoke up this time, saying that his comments were inappropriate. He said that if I didn't want people to say anything, I shouldn't move my booty so well. Shake it shake it, baby.

I think I'm done with this topic for a while.

This is the add that came up when I hit "Save" on this post:

Better off this way

I have been having conversations with a couple of close and dear friends about the histories of their relationships and their dynamics over time. I'm always curious about people's stories and lessons. These friends know a good chunk of my personal crap, and I theirs, and we're lucky that we get to skip a lot of explaining.

I was over at Rebecca's the other day. Rebecca is a few months from marrying Jacob. The other day, she said something about humans and companionship that I have been playing with in my mind since then.

Essentially: the person who is right for you will think that you are amazing. Right, woman? Or, you are amazing and the person that you are supposed to be with will see that.

I added that I think the person that is right for you is convinced you're amazing, sees how your weak parts fit in with your amazing-ness, and is willing to work toward being with you. This might be obvious to some of you, but putting it in such simple and commanding terms is important for others who miss the forest for the trees. Ahem. I mean... who does that?

This is probably a foundation to a good relationship.

I think.

There are other foundations to building good relationships. Be on the other's side, and recognize that the other person should be on your side. This doesn't mean that you avoid challenging each other or that you don't have fights (that are fair). Being in a relationship with a person means that you are not there to break down that other person. If I'm trying to prove myself smarter or better or trying to break down the other person in whatever way, then I'm probably helping speed up the death of the relationship, and I'm certainly not doing anything to improve myself. If I'm focused on winning a power game, something is amiss. I know a lot of people who have spent so much time either beating up themselves or being beaten up that they don't need it from their partners. A partner, a love, a lover is supposed to help prop you up so that you two can flourish and, as Rebecca and Jacob put it, share in the mending of the world. You're supposed to do that for him or her, too.

Protect each other. Assure each other about those creaks in the night that have nothing to do with the floorboards and everything to do with the state of your hearts.

Are you willing to support the other person? Are you willing to let the other person support you? Are you willing to honor what is beautiful about the other person? Are you willing to work on your shit so that you come to realize that they are neither a foe nor a way to work out your issues? Am I willing?

The great thing about thinking about all this touchy-feely crap is that we can do something about it.

What do you think?

I'm going to go lift something heavy. and grunt.



Important disclaimer, readers: Unless you were mentioned directly in here, this post is not about you. Got it?

Hey, sexy mama!

A couple of weeks ago I realized how much my posture had changed in the past few years. When I was in college, I was often mistaken for a dancer, even at the times that I didn't have a ballerina's leanness. Shoulders back, back stretched long, hips where they wanted to be, strides long. People commented on my posture, and it felt good to move around.

Somewhere in the past few years I started, well, tucking in my rear-end a bit. This made my strides shorter and my shoulders slouched just a little. It also made my back ache just a little after some walks.

I did this because of comments from men about my body, most often about my rear-end.

Women all over the world have to do much more than I've ever done in response to sexual aggression. I know this.

I know my burden is light here, but it's just so clear and pronounced to me by changes in the way I carry myself. I walked to the fruiteria today and received multiple sexually aggressive comments and hisses. Hisses! I know not to respond to them. Sometimes the fact that I should be holding my tongue in such situations is even more maddening. I can't convince those men in that moment about why it's wrong and harmful and degrading.

I don't know what the solution is.

I should be walking in the way that feels natural. I miss that.

Hatin' on.

A question has been running through my head for a couple of days. It's related to judging people. I wonder if some people tend to be more judgmental of individuals and forgiving of bigger groups. Are others more judgmental of groups and more forgiving or understanding of individuals?

I think I fall into the second group.

I know we're not supposed to be judgmental or crappy or whatever, but it happens. I'm being honest.

This is for Jessica:

Bye, June

It's too busy to sit down and write.

OK. That's not true.

Too many good things are going on these days. Writing takes a certain amount of focus, and I'm just busy taking it all in and being a part of it. I think I might be taking writing too seriously.

I'd like to share part of an amazing email from my niece, who is sailing around the world as part of a boat crew. She finds the best ways to wander, and I am amazed by her spirit and approach to life. She doesn't have a sense of adventure, she has a foundation of adventure.

After going through the insane hell of being on board with an ex- alcoholic captain who is a pretentious asshole to a I-am-the-center-of-the-universe won't stop talking curmudgeon, we have definitely learned a few things, including how to keep on laughing. its been a really crazy trip, you can read about the details in the book we're writing about it: what other reason is there for ending up in these crazy situations if not for others to read about and enjoy?
don't get me wrong- its been fun, me and Sea have each other when it gets rough, and we've learned how to sail : )
so yesterday we broke free from silly insecure men trying to run our lives--we signed on as crew to a 55' motor sailboat in Dublin, Ireland making a journey to Malaysia via the Suez canal. the captain seems very cool (we were careful this time) and the places we will be passing through (like war zones, the waters where pirates are holding boats for ransom, ect) is exacally the kind of stuff we want to witness right now, call me sick and twisted. but we will be very safe and in good hands, part of an armed convoy thu the dangerous bits..
I Am So Excited!
and Seriously Nuts!
... anyways, any questions?!

OK. She's sailing around the world and is going to write a book about her adventures.

Other good things that are happening:

• The Recyclery's new shop is close to opening. This is not due to my efforts but to a set of dedicated volunteers.
  

• I leg pressed 170 pounds. This is due to my effort.
  
• I have had fewer crappy running days. This seems to be connected to avoiding most cow milk products, which make breathing harder for me. Bummer. Ice cream is delicious.
  
• Jazz Vespers at Wicker Park Grace continues to be my favorite service. Good music, poetry, and thinking. Is God somewhere in the space that opens up in settings like that?
• My wonderful friend Kate walked in the Out of the Darkness Walk of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I walked with her for about an hour-and-a-half, and was honored to do so.
  
• I'm encountering people who challenge my crap, and I'm remembering that that is one of the greatest gifts of being with people. It's freaky and scary and wonderful and probably right.
• I find that I'm stepping into realms of life that I left a while ago. I am happy to do it. That means freezing up or freaking out because of it, but why not do it anyway? What's the great benefit of standing to the side in my safe space where I watch rather than act?
  

There's more to say; much more. I'm not really dipping into things right now. I know you will live. Other people write more interesting things, so go find profundity with them.