I knew it was a simple case of power supply

I wish I had something super awesome to write.

February is the month when it's hard to see that things have changed and will change again.  It's the month that memories and old ways of thinking come back or come up and it's hard to remember that the future is wide open and that you are not subject to the old ways.  It's the month that always says, "Nothing's really going to change.  You can fool yourself into thinking that but you know it will always come back to this.  Or that.  It's never going to go away."  The trick is to step aside from those thoughts.  Know that they are not you but they are things that seem to tag along with you for a while but that you are not them.

I have not been able to do this for February.
-----
What someone told me today:

• Being in love is not effortless.  That's OK.  It's active.  It's worth it.
• Love has passion, intimacy, and commitment.  Or love is those things.  I think I can get behind that.  Love is not accidental.  Passion may be carried in by the wind, but without intimacy and commitment it will be carried out and you will be left there with your boring toys and empty chairs.  Love is not just falling in love, I guess.

I got two compliments from a dude today at work about my music selection.  I was playing lots of Americana, folk, and bluegrass, trying to remember the years I had living in in Western North Carolina and the Piedmont.  When I was younger, listening to bluegrass and folk made my heart ache.  Sometimes I needed to turn it off to save the little beater from too much spiritual longing.  I didn't really know that it was spiritual longing.  Now, I think it's different.  I'm going to see if it really is, though.

I think I'd like to look for work down there after I graduate.  Maybe have a garden or something.  And good, kind people.  And banjos.

Anyway, carry on with your good work.  Or start it.  Whatever.  Just get to it.

I should volunteer somewhere. 
----




The first time I heard this song I was sitting in my office at the American Lung Association of Chicago.  It was probably 2005.  I was dating dear Andrew, who was and is a good dude.  I think it was cold and snowy that day.  I had a huge floor-to-ceiling window that looked out onto a small courtyard.  It was a Sunday afternoon and the office was empty.

February is the time when everything should go away.

Wait.  No, it's the time when I should go away.  If I get a car again I think I will take more trips to retreat centers or monasteries or the Bruderhof, especially during this time of the year.  Some day.

Speaking of cars, I had two closer-to-death-than-normal occurrences on this morning's run.  Good feelings.  Yay.  If the only thing you do with your life is drive safely and teach your children to drive safely, you will have helped make the world a better place.  

I was at work today putting bottles of Snapple into the refrigerated case when I realized that  I love this job.  I love it, in part, because I get to create order and cleanliness, in addition to all the service stuff that comes with a cafe job.  And it's good coffee.  Maybe I'll take this fancy master's and go work in a coffee shop.  Maybe I'll see Mary in someone's latte foam.


The Song of a Man Who Has Come Through (by D.H. Lawrence)
Not I, not I, but the wind that blows through me!
A fine wind is blowing the new direction of Time.
If only I let it bear me, carry me, if only it carry me!
If only I am sensitive, subtle, oh, delicate, a winged gift!
If only, most lovely of all, I yield myself and am borrowed
By the fine, fine wind that takes its course though the chaos of the world
Like a fine, and exquisite chisel, a wedge-blade inserted;
If only I am keen and hard like the sheer tip of a wedge Driven by invisible blows,
The rock will split, we shall come at the wonder, we shall find the Hesperides.

Oh, for the wonder that bubbles into my soul,
I would be a good fountain, a good well-head,
Would blur no whisper, spoil no expression.

What is the knocking?
What is the knocking at the door in the night?
It's somebody wants to do us harm.

No, no, it is the three strange angels.
Admit them, admit them.             

Meh.

Drive safely.

Beatitudes Society Fellowships - Summer 2010!

Seminary and div school friends:

Take a look at the summer fellowship opportunity with The Beatitudes Society.  I did it this past summer and I think it was a life-changing experience.  Yeah.  A positive one at that.  My placement was with Interfaith Worker Justice, but they have opportunities with many organizations.  (Oooh!  Pace e Bene!  I would definitely check out that one!)

These organizations are like any other non-profit.  Many of them have their issues, but they are working for the common good (the real common good.  not just for the white people or the rich or the people-who-believe-like-"we"-do).  My time with IWJ was significant in two ways that I'll only mention briefly.*  It made the Bible relevant to my faith again.  It also got me to start thinking about the dignity of work, which I never really knew was important to me or why. 

Furthermore, what the Beatitudes Society is working to do is really interesting.  They're trying to equip future "progressive" (ah!  such a loaded word!) Christian leaders to be public voices/faces (ick: wording) for Christianity and speak for, well, the liberal/compassionate/loving Christianity.  The Christian Right has been misrepresenting the loving way of Jesus for too long, and we're trying to remind people that God isn't about standing in front of abortion clinics with pictures of fetuses or keeping all of our money in our own pockets or closing our borders to those who are suffering and from another country or denying health care to someone because he is poor.  Dammit.  So yeah - look into this fellowship.

Application deadline is February 15.

*I'm so tired.  My muscles are sore.

Shake, Rattle and Read - 44% off on Saturday

4812 N. Broadway, Chicago

In short

Re: The Seducer's Diary:  It's a little or a lot unsettling, sad, disappointing, and angering and brings up the word "waste".  As if trust weren't remote enough.  There is humor in it, too.  It's just a story, though.  Of course, with Kierkegaard, sometimes we take it as more than just a story.  It's easy to fall into that world and think it's real and think it's prescriptive and forget that it's not.  That's what a good writer does.  It's something significant in a way that I will never tell.  So tell me your stories instead.  What do you think of it?  I look forward to Hare's discussion of it tomorrow.

Have I wasted these years, or have I been wasted?

Let me look toward something redeeming.  Let us do that, perhaps together.

And wait for the Or.
-----

There are all these fitness people talking about intermittent fasting.  These are people who do exercise and maybe even sports and all kinds of strength training.  I'm into strength and fitness and whatever related crap, but I can't help wonder how well such an approach is going to affect endurance sports, such as road racing.  I like the idea, people, but I think it's for the lazier times in life and not when you're taking three-to-four hour rides.  You have to eat something.

Speaking of that, I, once again, veered off the ride yesterday toward bonktown. Oops. 

-----

I'm accepting more/resisting less the idea that, yes, winter makes my mood change a bit.  I thought that was only really going to happen if I was stuck in an office or cubicle staring at grey walls (as I did for years).  There was some sort of proud, stupid resistance in which I thought that I was above that and simply preferred the sun and warmth - not that I needed it.  Ha!  What an ass.  Now, finding a little sunlight (and popping the occasional Vitamin D) is acceptable and something I've assigned myself to pursue. 

-----

I'm reading about bonding behavior.  For example. 

-----

Someone bought me a snuggie for Christmas.

Take a running start

----

In Agape and Special Relations we're reading Works of Love.

love is seen through action.  Ha!  Thanks, buddy, for that reminder.  
-----

Today's been an educational day.

A couple of times in the past few weeks... or months, I have been asked for romantic advice.  Each time I ask them, "Have you met me?  Really.  Have I even told you my romantic stories?  Why don't you look toward someone who has made it work?"  (Ah, to look primarily at outcomes)

Still, we talk.  I hear stories and am there to remind my friends of how they're supposed to be treated.  Of course, I'm just passing on what others once told me.  Or two or fifteen times.  You know who you are.  Thanks.

does your person let you come to life, or do you usually feel worse around him?  pay attention to that.  follow the things that make you feel good, though act responsibly and with care for the others in your life.  really good.  not some superficial, lame-ass, simple-pleasure good.  you're deeper than that. 

do you trust her?  does she want you to trust her?

are you really being yourself?  can you do that?  'cause you'll waste a lot of energy (and be miserable) avoiding being yourself for the sake of maintaining the relationship, and life is long.

I guess I have some more to say about it, but it's all tucked away right now.

love is marvelous.  Marvelous!  We should be so lucky as to experience it, but it won't come from fretting or manipulation or guilt or qualifications.  no bullshit, people.  It is willing to stand up and make moves.  It comes from living as the person that God has made and loving the other as another piece of divine creation and!  and!  working to make good in the world in whatever way is your way of doing it.  and!  and!  treating each other with care as that beautiful part of creation that enjoys your weirdness and jokes and gets your moods and thinks you're sexy and will make jokes with you about morning breath.

What joy!  What beauty!  It might creep in slowly, or it might knock you over.  But lucky you. 

Phew
----

In winter I have to sleep in a ball to stay warm when it's just me in the bed.  (Unlike Amir, who sleeps in an "X" of a perfect lower-case "h")  I've had to switch to sleeping on my right side.  The pain on my left side has gotten pretty intense, though it's not there all the time.  It clearly wasn't meningitis, and the dentist found no neck tumor.  (I'm still not the biggest hypochondriac in the house.)  I thought I was having a heart attack the other night.  I told Olivia she could have my CDs, which might include some regrettable middle school Christian rock purchases.  "Tell so-and-so I love 'em.  Tell so-and-so I'm sorry we didn't get to know each other better or have that cup of coffee, whether it was a date or not.  And so-and-so can have my bike stuff, but the Voodoo needs a tune-up.*"  I have those thoughts when I get on airplanes, too.  I have the urge to send text messages with "I love you" before each flight takes off.

*Fact

I guess I didn't have a heart attack.  Or at least I didn't have one strong enough to do this young broad in.

Take care.  Stay warm.