"I will show you love," possibly through good lovin'

Snack's story reminded me of something.

One time, at least a year ago, I went with a close friend over to Taboo Tabou on Belmont. She wanted to get something. I wanted to look at something. I hadn't been in many sex toy shops but knew there was nothing else really distinguishing me from the rest of the schmoes walking in off the street. The only cause to be nervous was on the inside.

The salesperson asked us if we needed help, and my friend replied that she was looking for a toy, a dildo, specifically, and lube. The salesperson helped us for probably thirty minutes, answering questions about the huge variety of toys and types and helping both of us understand what we might be looking for. She was really patient and generous with her explanation, never pressuring either of us to buy something, even though she had spent a lot of time with us. I told her that I didn't know much about the merchandise and wasn't really sure that I was comfortable buying anything. That didn't matter.

I stepped back for a minute to think and re-group as my friend looked at another toy. In that moment I felt God's grace. I felt God's grace through this salesperson who was so understanding and generous in spirit and kind and forgiving. She was tattooed and pierced and beautiful, and trying to help her customers figure out which type of dildo would be best.

I looked down into my heart and it felt right. I thought of people I knew from a couple of conservative churches I had attended. What would they say? Was this a place where they would see God's light and love shining through? Would they need to help "clean up" such a place of sin (or something)? Then I thought of Jess and Jake, and how they've helped change my vision of love and of grace. There is no right place or time to see the love and grace God has put into the universe. If it comes to you, take it and remember it. I don't know why it's not everywhere all time, or why we don't see that, but I do know that it comes to us, through people and events, and we have every right to claim it.

I experienced God's grace in a sex toy shop. I wouldn't have it any other way.


This one won't leave my head these past few days.

Under Your Skin

I think that part of navigating new relationships, romantic or platonic, is figuring out if and how much we are going to accommodate the other person in our lives. It's also determining if the other person is going to accommodate us into his or her life. I was sitting in the park this afternoon talking to Dear Cory, who asks really great questions. He asked, "Do you want to be accommodated?" (OK. You worded it a bit differently. I think you asked if I was the type of person who wanted to be accommodated, but I don't think people are that stagnant. So I might be now, but perhaps wasn't when I was 26.)

Thinking about his question now I jump a little. You expect me to answer a question? To tell you what I really think rather than ask questions? Baaaah. Answering a question means taking up space.

I paused. Of course I do. I want a home in the world, a world that involves humans (little choice there), just as most people do. He was talking about being accommodated by another, though, intimately and romantically. I began to ask myself, 'Am I too accommodating? Too little?'

But he wanted to know if I would let others accommodate me. Do you let other accommodate you? Do you struggle to give others space? Have you just decided not to do so? Do you get uncomfortable when you are accommodated too much? Do you get annoyed or distant when you are not accommodated enough? Why does "enough" vary so much?

A Ritual to Read to Each Other
William Stafford

If you don't know the kind of person I am
and I don't know the kind of person you are
a pattern that others made may prevail in the world
and following the wrong god home we may miss our star.

For there is many a small betrayal in the mind,
a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break
sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood
storming out to play through the broken dyke.

And as elephants parade holding each elephant's tail,
but if one wanders the circus won't find the park,
I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty
to know what occurs but not recognize the fact.

And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy,
a remote important region in all who talk:
though we could fool each other, we should consider--
lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.

For it is important that awake people be awake,
or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep;
the signals we give--yes or no, or maybe--
should be clear: the darkness around us is deep

(thanks, Wicker Park Grace)

To your wedding

All right. I watched that dancing wedding video.



I laughed and smiled. Fine! FINE.

What I really liked about it was that there were all these people there celebrating, really celebrating two people joining their lives together. None of that formality junk. That is community.

Dear Rebecca and Jacob,

You should let us do something like that! I would totally boogie for you.

Kisses,
Rachel

Pass the bottle

I recently spoke with a friend in New Haven. He's a class act. He likes his fountain pens and pipes and somehow instead of writing a New Testament final, submitted a painting and probably got a good grade. Nice work, buddy. He holds doors and stands up when a lady leaves and arrives at the table. Even though we don't and won't operate on a romantic level, this demonstration of regard feels nice from a friend. Maybe it's the Southerner in me, maybe it's the old lady in me. (I don't think it's actually about being treated like a lady, which, of course I would have to reconcile with feminismblahblah. I think it's about being treated with care and respect.)

I am thankful for this friend and many others who help remind me how important it is to demonstrate regard for those around me. What makes you feel welcome? How do we move from simply welcoming people with our verbal invitations to showing them that we want them with us? Sometimes we don't want them with us, of course, but I think that's a different matter.

This post was going to be about ways that we show regard for people in our lives and why we do it, but something else came up.

I'm reminded of the generous-in-spirit and welcoming Christianity that my church tries to practice. It doesn't always get it right, but it has its goal. Hospitality is central to this church's operations. Does this simply mean that I am supposed to be welcoming because I think God is welcoming? I remember once hearing a lady on the Trinity Broadcasting Network tell someone poor and sick and "unsaved" that she loved him because God loved him. Something was wrong there. More later.

There are times during and after church that I'm not that interested in extending my hand to someone who is new. It's not good, I know, but it's what happens. I'm working on it. I'm making an effort to introduce myself and participate in conversation. A lot of times I don't want to talk but I know that's part of being polite and helping the other person feel comfortable. The point of being welcoming is that they might find a spiritual home where they can grow closer to God and be in community with people of God. I know this is not dependent on me, but I also know that it's better if I help the newcomer feel welcome in this community.

I think that worship or church helps create times when I sort of want to draw into myself. Irony! I've, perhaps, just had this moment when I've experienced the Divine and actually been able to see her (I'm taking a cue from Rebecca, there, on referring to God as feminine). Why, then, does that make me want to go be by myself or perhaps with the ones who really know me, rather than extending myself to someone who I hope experiences God's love. Oh! I'm a self-absorbed jerk. Being with those who know and love me makes me feel safe, and I want to be safe after my heart has opened up for a while.

When I used to go to a more traditional church I usually loathed the time when we passed the peace. In theory, I love it. One of the most important and beautiful things that we can do for each other is to (try to) affirm God's presence to each other. I guess I just don't want to do it at church. Or, sometimes I'm misanthropic. Or sometimes I'm afraid of the hurt we can inflict upon each other.

It might also be that I am tired. Way safer to chalk it up to that.


Dear humans,

You are welcome at God's table. In fact, you're already there. There's not much you can do about that. Sorry that I'm a jerk who just wants to sit in the corner and sip some wine instead of pouring some for you. You're welcome to help yourself. Maybe when I'm a little less inhibited, which, given my low tolerance, will be in just a few minutes, I can stand up to bring you the next course.

Love,
Rachel

This was and is kind of a big deal

Jimmy Carter left the Southern Baptist Church because of its treatment and theology of women.

Actually, he left it in 2000 because of changes to the Baptist Faith & Message doctrinal statement.

___Carter told [Associated Baptist Press] that one particular change in the 2000 doctrinal statement "overrides and explains the other concerns I have"--the SBC's decision to eliminate language that identifies Jesus Christ as "the criterion by which the Bible is to be interpreted."
___"Most disturbing has been the convention's recent decision to remove Jesus Christ, through his words, deeds and personal inspiration, as the ultimate interpreter of the Holy Scriptures," he explained in his press release. "This leaves open making the pastors or executives of the SBC the ultimate interpreters."
___The revisions to the SBC's official doctrinal statement in 1998 and this year [2000] have become a line in the sand for many moderates after years of being excluded from denominational leadership. Among controversial changes is a 1998 amendment on the family that calls for women to submit to their husbands. Additional revisions adopted this year weaken references to the doctrine of soul competency and state that women cannot be pastors in local churches.

Electric Heart

I'm just getting home from Wicker Park Grace. We had a taize service tonight. It's my second favorite service, I think, just behind jazz vespers. Taize worship was born out of the Taize community in France. It usually involves singing a few verses in repetition as a way of spiritual...uh, engagement. I'm not long on words tonight so I'll let you discover for yourself what it sounds like. It's the music that seems to get me, but in a good way.

I was just listening to Generosity by Mirah. I wish I could find a way to play it here. You can listen to it here, though. It's the first track.

Lately I'm keeping my small notebook in my lap during church. I wrote a lot tonight. I don't feel the need to write expansively in my notebook since it's just for me, but I often challenge myself to do so, just as a practice. I figure it's good for my brain and I want to drop the chances that I will just be all drooly at 90.

I'm not going to write here all that I wrote. Can you imagine if we shared with (a small chunk of) the world all we bothered to jot down? I guess that's the stuff we reserve for those closest to us. Close community and lovers, sometimes family.

1. I'm starting to understand and feel a bit better a genuine Christianity that doesn't rely on atonement theology. Genuine, as in something that has roots and can stick, something that is real and isn't just a pleasant belief system to make us feel good about pain. Part of this expanded sense of Christianity is through my fellowship with the Beatitudes Society, which asks our participation in testing out a curriculum for future fellows. More importantly, the fellowship and Society try to get "progressive" Christian leaders to be more articulate and vocal about their Christianity. (More on this later. Much more, I think. Also, I can't say "'progressive' Christianity" without making little quotation marks in the air with my fingers. I don't have many compulsions, but that is one of them.)

2. My church isn't perfect. I come there for spiritual... opening and to see a chunk of my community, including some of the people who know me best and who honor me with their friendships and presence.

This is important. That place is important.

Parts of me that go into a coma during the school year get to awaken in this spiritual community. I don't have spiritual community at school, though it is full of spiritual people, so I am going to get all that I can this summer while I am in Chicago.

3. We probably get to find God through relationship with other humans. (We may get it some in nature.) Shitty as it might be, it's also one of the greatest things we can figure out; that is, how to relate well to people. We have to deal with this and learn it so that when we are confronted by relationships that seem to matter on a deeper level, we don't freak (or freak-the-fuck-out, as my minister friends like to say) out. This crap isn't easy.

4. I'm thinking about vulnerability some these days. Over the years, we've all had a spectrum of messages about being vulnerable to others. We don't get to be known, er, we don't let others know us unless we make ourselves vulnerable. But we don't get hurt if we don't let ourselves be vulnerable.

There is a good chunk of society that is deeply afraid of being hurt. Some people get this sudden awareness of when they are becoming vulnerable and they fight it. So, we have all sorts of defenses that arrive in a second, many that may not even seem like what they really are. Some time our defenses are attacks.

Maybe, as a starting point, we can just try not to hurt each other, and see where we go from there. I don't know what the answer is. There will be hurt that occurs regardless of others' intents, but we could probably do each other a favor by reducing the chances that we hurt another. No games?

What do you think?

5. I'd like to make music again.

Here's some food for thought. Yes, I know it's Psychology Today. It's fine. "Testing your illusions of certainty about your emotions is the key to happiness, better relationships, healing, and growth." Well ain't that simple.

Female Impersonator (update)

Check out Female Impersonator, which featured my recent post on body comments from men on the street. My awesome friend Lindsay is one of the authors there.

"Women are all female impersonators to some degree" is the blog's title. Chew on that for a while.

Added:

Oh! Check out this post from Racialicious. It's long and clearly addressing race and body issues, specifically rear-ends of black women.

While many people voice appreciation for my body and how it is shaped, both men and women often feel as though the simple presence of my ass allows for them to take whatever action they see fit.

When my best friend threw me a Bollywood/Hollywood party for my 22nd birthday, she enlisted the help of a family friend so we could properly wear our saris. The other girls passed without comment. When it was my turn to be wrapped, she checked out my gluteus maximus and declared I was lucky to have such a high and round rump, before giving it an appreciative slap while tucking in the folds of cloth. This was not new behavior. Women in my family would playfully slap my ass while trying to figure out “how I stole all the butt in the family,” or other girls in gym locker rooms would somehow be unable to stop staring at my ass while I changed from towel to pants.

And don’t get me started on the liberties men think they can take. Most of the oft-ignored hollering takes the form of “Hey, girl with the big ass…you know I’m talking to you!”

This idea that my behind has somehow become communal property is intertwined with the history of race and gender in our society.

Now that's an interesting idea. She continues on for a while, speaking about images of black beauty and white beauty and ideals. I'm finding an interesting internal conflict on booty comments.

I highly doubt there is ever an easy way to reconcile the sexual self with what is influenced by society. Or to reconcile our love/hate relationships many women have with our bodies. When we engage in behavior that is seemingly contradictory, to me, it’s just a way of coping. This is why many women use the realm of lyrics and music videos to tap into their own sexuality while still rejecting the sexist messages promoted. Or why one may wish to dress to accentuate their own curves while rejecting the idea that the shape of their body makes them community property.

It’s a complicated question, as life so often is. What one woman finds empowering, others may find limiting. We like to default to the idea that a woman’s choices are all the matters, but we also ignore that fact that our choices are not made in a vacuum.

-----

I was wearing this pretty dress the other day. It falls just below the knee, has short sleeves and a sort-of wrap-around waist. I went to the market on Bryn Mawr to buy fava beans and a grapefruit. As I was crossing the street, I received a bunch of comments from a guy and his pal. I spoke up this time, saying that his comments were inappropriate. He said that if I didn't want people to say anything, I shouldn't move my booty so well. Shake it shake it, baby.

I think I'm done with this topic for a while.

This is the ad that came up when I hit "Save" on this post:

Better off this way

I have been having conversations with a couple of close and dear friends about the histories of their relationships and their dynamics over time. I'm always curious about people's stories and lessons. These friends know a good chunk of my personal crap, and I theirs, and we're lucky that we get to skip a lot of explaining.

I was over at Rebecca's the other day. Rebecca is a few months from marrying Jacob. The other day, she said something about humans and companionship that I have been playing with in my mind since then.

Essentially: the person who is right for you will think that you are amazing. Right, woman? Or, you are amazing and the person that you are supposed to be with will see that.

I added that I think the person that is right for you is convinced you're amazing, sees how your weak parts fit in with your amazing-ness, and is willing to work toward being with you. This might be obvious to some of you, but putting it in such simple and commanding terms is important for others who miss the forest for the trees. Ahem. I mean... who does that?

This is probably a foundation to a good relationship.

I think.

There are other foundations to building good relationships. Be on the other's side, and recognize that the other person should be on your side. This doesn't mean that you avoid challenging each other or that you don't have fights (that are fair). Being in a relationship with a person means that you are not there to break down that other person. If I'm trying to prove myself smarter or better or trying to break down the other person in whatever way, then I'm probably helping speed up the death of the relationship, and I'm certainly not doing anything to improve myself. If I'm focused on winning a power game, something is amiss. I know a lot of people who have spent so much time either beating up themselves or being beaten up that they don't need it from their partners. A partner, a love, a lover is supposed to help prop you up so that you two can flourish and, as Rebecca and Jacob put it, share in the mending of the world. You're supposed to do that for him or her, too.

Protect each other. Assure each other about those creaks in the night that have nothing to do with the floorboards and everything to do with the state of your hearts.

Are you willing to support the other person? Are you willing to let the other person support you? Are you willing to honor what is beautiful about the other person? Are you willing to work on your shit so that you come to realize that they are neither a foe nor a way to work out your issues? Am I willing?

The great thing about thinking about all this touchy-feely crap is that we can do something about it.

What do you think?

I'm going to go lift something heavy. and grunt.



Important disclaimer, readers: Unless you were mentioned directly in here, this post is not about you. Got it?

Hey, sexy mama!

A couple of weeks ago I realized how much my posture had changed in the past few years. When I was in college, I was often mistaken for a dancer, even at the times that I didn't have a ballerina's leanness. Shoulders back, back stretched long, hips where they wanted to be, strides long. People commented on my posture, and it felt good to move around.

Somewhere in the past few years I started, well, tucking in my rear-end a bit. This made my strides shorter and my shoulders slouched just a little. It also made my back ache just a little after some walks.

I did this because of comments from men about my body, most often about my rear-end.

Women all over the world have to do much more than I've ever done in response to sexual aggression. I know this.

I know my burden is light here, but it's just so clear and pronounced to me by changes in the way I carry myself. I walked to the fruiteria today and received multiple sexually aggressive comments and hisses. Hisses! I know not to respond to them. Sometimes the fact that I should be holding my tongue in such situations is even more maddening. I can't convince those men in that moment about why it's wrong and harmful and degrading.

I don't know what the solution is.

I should be walking in the way that feels natural. I miss that.

Hatin' on.

A question has been running through my head for a couple of days. It's related to judging people. I wonder if some people tend to be more judgmental of individuals and forgiving of bigger groups. Are others more judgmental of groups and more forgiving or understanding of individuals?

I think I fall into the second group.

I know we're not supposed to be judgmental or crappy or whatever, but it happens. I'm being honest.

This is for Jessica: