CFR 2

I'm happy to report that the trip was much more important than the suit. Phew! Thank God I'm not 100% shallow.

CFR is a really interesting place and plays an important role in our diplomatic stuff. Sometimes you need a diplomat or an intermediary for diplomats, and that's one of the many roles it plays. I know this feeling really well, and had to act that way quite a bit in my former work life, trying to open doors of communication between and among Chicago Public Schools and nonprofits. It's happened quite a bit in personal relationships, too.

Set out on our table were a few identity pieces about CFR and two reports: one titled "Averting Crisis in Ukraine" and another on U.S.-Latin America Relations. When I met with my professor a few weeks ago, he challenged me to think hard about American relations with El Salvador (where I am going very soon) and how much we are going to have an interest in that area in the future. I was bothered by this. We have a long dirty and occasionally positive history in this area and I'm sure that we're not just going to cut off relations. Even if we're not talking about Venezuela and Cuba, which are obviously really important, we've got Mexico and Colombia. And the rest of them, which probably care how the United States is relating to them. I was surprised to see this report from the CFR on our table, and wanted to go back to him immediately to talk about U.S. - Latin American relations... but I figured I should read the report first. There may be more and louder voices in other parts of the world, but I am drawn to this part of the world more than other areas (so far. I really need to travel more. Self: you probably only live once, make the most of it.). I hope it's not just because I know some Spanish and like mangos. Er, mangoes.

In music:
I know that there are quite a few people who don't care for Beirut's "No Dice" and other more hoppy offerings from the new album, but I think "No Dice" is pleasant and catchy. It's fine, and I will gladly hop around my apartment listening to it until its happy repetition gets on my nerves.

CFR

I'm off to Manhattan today. My class is meeting at the Council on Foreign Relations. Our professor warned that there was a dress code and that jeans would probably not be appropriate. I took that to mean it's time to break out the black suit, naturally. I will possibly be over-dressed among my classmates (though perhaps not, as some of those Yale undergrads are real go-getters), but that doesn't really matter. As a first-year grad student, I'm not wearing a suit much, so I'm going to seize the opportunity. I haven't worn it since my last large meeting when I worked in public health in Chicago, and it's nice to play dress up professional. Plus it looks good. Does it say something about me that I am heading down to the CFR and am talking about my suit?

Many of my friends are talking about fasting for lent in various ways. For some reason, their stories remind me of one of my new favorite foods that I'm sure many would be happy to give up forever:

























Ingredients: anchovies, sugar, sesame seeds, palm oil, and salt. Delicioso. Do you have any foods that would make your friends and family concerned about you?

I wouldn't normally do this,

but this is funny.

From the LBach:

What does your music library say about you?

1. Put Your iTunes on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.

What do your friends think of you?
"Invisible Man" - Breeders

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say?
"What does your soul look like?" - DJ Shadow

How would you describe yourself?
"Running" - Menomena

What do you like in a guy?
"Boys Keep Swinging" - David Bowie

How do you feel today?
"Twenty three" - Four Tet

What is your life’s purpose?
"Lonesome Tears" - Beck

What is your motto?
"Lovers Spit" - Broken Social Scene (This one came from a friend.)

What do you think about very often?
"The Hardest Part" - Hayden (this one, too)

What do you think of your best friend?
"How to disappear completely" - Radiohead

What do you think of the person you like?
"Julie and Candy" - Boards of Canada

What is your life story?
"Dime Piece," J Dilla

What do you want to be when you grow up?
"Great Day Today," Madvillain

What do you think of when you see the person you like/love?
"Hands" - Four Tet

What will you dance to at your wedding?
"Assembly Line" - Daedelus

What will they play at your funeral?
"Can't Explain" - Jill Scott

What is your hobby/interest?
"Clear the Area" - Imogen Heap

What is your biggest fear?
"Midnight Man" - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds (hmmm, I don't know about that)

What is your biggest secret?
"Little Kids," Kings of Convenience

(I think the last two are reversed)

What do you think of your friends?
"My Mathematical Mind" Spoon

What will you post this as?
"Festival" - Dungen

OK, OK. Last one of the day, I swear.

For Lindsay, for her collection

I was on the Metra (Chicagoland commuter rail) going to work one day, lookin' all professional in my work clothes, ready to fight the Chicago Public Schools bureaucracy, or at least not completely roll over. I was talking with the train man (yes, that's what they're called) for a while about little stuff, probably including Illinois politics, which is as bad as it seems. At the end of the conversation, with all the friendly acquaintance conversational tone you could imagine, he said the following to me: "You'd make a great administrative assistant one day [in one of these big, downtown offices]." I really believe he thought he was saying something... affirming?

Not necessarily for Lindsay:

I liked these secrets today:





































Sometimes, when I meet people I like to imagine what they looked like when they were a young child or what they will look like when they're older.
---
Finished Dewey's A Common Faith last week. It was enjoyable, though I don't think it gives a complete picture of what he's up to. It essentially reads like humanism, which is fine, but not going to be enough for most religious people to them give up their structures. Rorty's "Faith, Responsibility, and Romance" is this week. I also have to give a report on Rorty's Philosophy and Social Hope in a few weeks. Thoughts or tips? I find pragmatism to be much more accessible than other philosophies I've (barely) studied, but the good feelings might lie in James's penchant for poking fun at philosophers (or is that mine?). That will usually win me.

Three interviews

I got a call around 8 p.m. two nights ago. It was a fellow from Glide Memorial Church out in San Francisco. He was calling to interview me for one of their summer fellowship positions through The Beatitudes Society. The Beatitudes Society bases its work on the heart of the messages found in Jesus's words in Matthew 5.3-12:

Matthew 5.3-10

^{Jesus speaking:}

³“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. ⁴“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. ⁵“Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. ⁶“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. ⁷“Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy. ⁸“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. ⁹“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. ¹⁰“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 11 ‘Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely^* on my account. ¹²Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

---

Last night someone introduced me to the Cotton Patch version of the same verses:

"The spiritually humble are God's people,
for they are citizens of his new order.
"They who are deeply concerned are God’s people,
for they will see their ideas become reality.
"They who are gentle are his people,
for they will he his partners across the laud.
"They who have an unsatisfied appetite for the right are God’s people,
for they will be given plenty to chew on.
"The generous are God’s people,
for they will be treated generously.
"Those whose motives are pure are God’s people,
for they will have spiritual insight.
"Men of peace and good will are God’s people,
for they will be known throughout the land as his children.
"Those who have endured much for what’s right are God’s people;
they are citizens of his new order.
"You all are God’s people when others call you names, and harass you and tell all kinds of false tales on you just because you follow me. Be cheerful and good-humored, because your spiritual advantage is great. For that’s the way they treated men of conscience in the past.

---

I'm still undecided about what I want to do with the Bible and its versions and translations and teachings, but will sit with these verses for a while. One of the challenges I face when thinking about the Bible now, aside from all the things mentioned above (and a few other issues) is that it's not refreshing much anymore. Yep: that's me, reflecting on a book about one of the histories of people with God, using my whiny emotions to determine a sense of its relevance. At least I'm honest. I'm positive that there are tentacles of an evangelical history clinging there, but I'm sure there must be a better place to relate to the Bible. What do you think?

-----

Social justice-y stuff:

I applied for three positions: at Glide, Interfaith Worker Justice (IWJ) in Chicago, and at Protestants for the Common Good (PCG) in Chicago. It was a bit of a tough decision on whether or not to apply to programs in Chicago; yet somehow not. It's the city that I chose to leave, yet missed deeply when I did. It would be a pleasure to spend my summer there, however, without having to endure the rest of the year. My community there has forever changed, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't revisit it in its current form. There are people that I love there, including family and others who act like family.

On the other hand, it might be good for me to get to know a new city better. I've been to San Francisco once, the only place I've been in on the West Coast. I'd keep my brake.

---

The two Chicago positions could be characterized as advocacy-based, potentially including education and outreach and legislative schmoozing with faith communities on various issues. For PCG, the Fellow could have a project working on one of the following:

* Tax reform for public education funding
* Income supports for those who live in extreme poverty
* Re-entry opportunities for ex-offenders
* Sentencing reforms for non-violent drug users
* De-criminalization of prostitution

For IWJ, it's equally broad, involving work with all IWJ's national partners and with a group of summer interns, mostly undergrads. In the past few years, I've made friends who have been working in this and related fields, and their work has really opened up my eyes to just a sliver of what's going on in our own backyards. Thanks, friends, for doing that. With the economic "downturn", their work is going to get even more interesting, and their reception will probably be greater. There are so many hidden employment injustices and crimes, and I'm still learning about how prevalent they are, even among our friends and neighbors.

---

February, the worst month of the year (no, not because of 2/14), is approaching its end. Yes!

I'm doing some thinking, not writing

So:

I'm having my own 4:45 post

I'm up at 4 in the morning with thoughts of people and relationships of all kinds and expectations and existence, and 4 a.m. thoughts that are treated best by sleep; a mindset that should only be treated with sleep. The best solution will never be to go on the computer. I know this but I, like so many, do it anyway. I know many people who have confessed troubling relationships with life online, and these confessions always remind me that though this machine can do so much to connect us with other and with information, it does something else. Perhaps it reminds some of us of how we disconnect from others in person. Perhaps it overwhelms us with information. I know some who get anxious, I know some who get depressed, I know some who get hateful after spending time online, especially when they're emotionally... upturned. 4 a.m. is often that time anyway, so why go to read online? Who knows?

This 4 a.m. walk led me over to Rebecca's blog, which is often full of really great insights into a human condition, especially in relationship with others. chick's got somethin'. Anyway, I read this post, a good one about relating to people, which is something I feel weak in these days. An excerpt from her 4 a.m. post:

One of the things about getting married when you are young (I had been 22 for 5 days) is that you have no consciousness of setting precedent. You just reactreactreact. It's honest but can be a little like messing up the foundation for the Tower of Pisa by only a fraction. It's not noticeable now but as you build on that pattern, it becomes a real problem.

good point - applies to many, even those who didn't marry young. I have been learning a lot over the past six months or so about responses and reactions, but these lessons are not for le blog.

Am I missing something here? Where is the bump that helps me skip the groove that I'm trapped in? How are these things reconcilable?

1. Real partnership requires honesty.
2. To be honest, sometimes I have to show him my brokenness.
3. Showing him too much brokenness might ruin our lives.

point - or fear, at least. There are thousands of ways to react when we are shown someone's brokenness, either by choice or not. We know this and we fear this and we proceed with this in our relationships.

My therapist tells me that although it's legitimate for me to worry about things like this and good to work them through, I should also consider the idea that I'm looking for a way out. That I've been hurt and that to avoid being hurt again there is a part of me that would rather be alone. I know that I've written about our country's hero complex before. I'd forgotten that it was when I was reading Debbie Blue. Funny repetition there. My reading for my Urban Adolescent class this week talked about it a little, as well. Barbara Rogoff quotes Dennie Wolf:

Since psychology began in this country, the dominant metaphor for a learner has been something between Rodin's thinker and Huck Finn heading off to the territories - a singular, lone figure arm-wrestling the world, some conundrum, or a conceptual matter to the table. We are at long last learning to question the singularity, even the isolation, of that figure.

point. There are many of us who set up our lives as if they were poetry or literature, creating some narrative to give it drama or meaning. This, this thing we do may not be so great. Really. I think this idea has been in my head churning for some time. I do this and don't think that it makes things work out so great. I think this idea was in the background when I wrote this post (and I'm sure there were others, but that one popped into my head. perhaps the channel is the narrative, the metaphor, the tragedy or the comedy, the script that we're following in our head, even if it is what kills us). I'm a champ at writing myself, so to speak, into isolation, yet not knowing if it's because of my M.O. or because the other person just isn't ... enough? It's hard to sort these things out. It's more common than some think. No point here, just reflection.

The point of the book we read is that families and culture are inseparable from the personalities that we develop. How we react and feel is not something that grew in a petri dish. Different contexts create different people. She expands on the Dennie Wolf quote:

The stress on the individual undoubtedly derives from a variety of sources, including the focus of American culture on the independent individual conquering a new land (having left relatives behind) . . ."

But I have not left relatives behind. I am enmeshed in my family and have stated again and again that I desire to be partnered with the right man.

Yet, I look for ways to escape by setting up numbered philosophical "proofs" that this relationship won't work. Those conflicting facts hold true for all relationships and yet, somehow, a lot of them work. How is that? What is the magic that lets them break free of the pattern of hurt and defense?

Keep goin', woman. Your openness and wisdom and smerts give us something on which to reflect, even as we have different stories.

It's after 5 now, which means that hopeful hours of morning begin. There's some principle somewhere (would James not agree and disagree with me on the use of such a principle?) that says to have hope, so have hope.

Catch up with me sometime. Share your thoughts.

Coffee Cat

Today was the New Haven Coffee Cat. It was sort of a alley-kitten, covering around 17 miles, depending on your route. Given that the city is about 20 square miles, I figure that's pretty good for a small city/big town alleycat. The checkpoints were all at various coffee shops in New Haven.

The race started one hour late because some kids from Boston were running late. This was really annoying. We all got started at about 4, riding from Wooster Square Park (near many of those famous pizza joints) to Lulu (the tiny cafe where they don't allow laptops or ipods) - about 1.5 miles. That sent us back to the Wooster area, to Fuel and then over to Devil's Gear Bike Shop - another 1.8 miles. The checkpoint worker asked us to ride to the nearest Dunkin Donuts, grab a packet of sugar, and ride back to him with it - another 1.5 miles. Then the race started.

Nine other independent cafes participated:

1. Koffee on Audubon
   
2. Blue State
3. Publick Cup
   
4. JoJo's Cafe
5. Deja Brew
6. Woodlands Coffee and Tea
7. Daily Cafe (Park and Elm)
   
8. Book Trader
9. Bru (provided coffee, water, and snacks to tired riders)

One of the issues of riding legally in New Haven (not that an alleycat is really ever trying to achieve that) is that there are many one-way streets - one-way streets consecutively going the same direction. If I need to get to a spot that is one block away, I may have to go three blocks away and back up a side street if I am riding legally. That doesn't often happen and it definitely won't happen during an alleycat.

All relatively and actually young folks: thirty-four racers, probably four or five women, far more risers than drops, some dumb riding that frustrated me.

Participating in this race made me remember my misgivings about alleycats. Do I want to do this? Do I want to "endorse" it, so to speak? We know what happened last year in the Tour da Chicago, and even though I wasn't at that intersection or even that race, I still had visions of one of these kids blowing through the intersection getting smeared. It didn't happen, and I wonder how much we can just chalk that up to luck.


I ended around 5:20 (?)

Positives:

• fun course
• fast race
• lots of little complicated routes and a few longer distances
• good attitude among most the racers
  

negatives:

• the race started an hour late. We were waiting in the cold in Wooster Square for about 1.5 hours.
  
• one of the addresses on the manifest was wrong
• There were no prize categories for females. This is egregious. FOUL. There were pleeeenty of prizes to go around - the top dudes got some serious loot.

Folk Festival

A friend reminded me about the upcoming U of C Folk Festival. Man, if I were in Chicago, I'd probably go to it. I mean, there's contra dancing. It's February 6-8. There are a bunch of free things.

Go check out Cory's post on needing vs. wanting God (or another). I'm mulling it over, but I'd like to know your thoughts on it. I'm not down with this God-shaped-hole idea (which is not what Cory proposes) that we hear thrown around the most in that kind of Christianity... yet, at the same time, I wonder about our completeness without a divine, benevolent deity. I see it and I don't see it. I'm held back by its interpretation as a crutch.

As mentioned in Cory's post, Rollins writes about the need being created in relationship with another. I think, perhaps, that a need, space, or place for another person is solely realized then, not created. There might be a need regardless of our awareness of it, or regardless of our acceptance of it. I think I'm mostly talking about human relationships here, and probably in an intimate-other form. I guess I am thinking about the need for another person, for community, for companionship, more than I am thinking about the need for God. For some reason. This isn't all clear right now, so ignore my stuff and go read Cory's - he's got many thought-provoking points there. Yer smarts, guy. Favorite line: "But if someone says they want peace, they might actually want peace."

Back to the God stuff:

but to say a felt absence of peace is a felt absence of God is not correct and may border or idolatry. that's like saying a felt absence of kisses is the same as a felt absence of your significant other. make-out is awesome and everything, but a person is not kisses. a person is a person with a story and hopes and plans. so it is with God.

troubling and comforting

I have a paper coming up on my "theology of suffering", and I expect that this concept (God-shaped hole) is going to come up in it. Will I look down upon that belief as part of a simple-minded, culturally and intellectually-low Christianity (despite, I assume, its presence in complicated theology that I haven't read) or will I be honest or humble enough to think about it again? I'll find out in about 2 days. What do you think about it all? In the spirit of honoring Cory, welcome your haikus.

For now, it's back to William James. This guy is a hoot. I love what I'm reading in Pragmatism.

Stay warm.

Slow and steady... finishes ahead of at least half

Run for Refugees - a 5k partway up East Rock in New Haven. It started at Wilbur Cross High School, which is at the edge of East Rock Park.

I don't think that quite shows it though. This is East Rock:

Note: that's not the loop represented on the map.

No buggies now, though, today. We didn't go up the whole thing. It's an interesting place to run, though. If you stay on the roads, you are on a steep incline for most of the way. There are quite a few off-road trails, though, and I ran some of them two weeks ago with a newly-formed running group. We met at 7 p.m. and ran the trails in the dark, though a few people had headlamps. When you come to Yale, you hear strong warnings not to go to East Rock at night (in addition to warnings not to walk around outside at night), so I was a bit nervous about what we might find with each bend we took (anonymous sex? drugs? beat-downs? Hurray, New Haven!). Yale has to give us the super-warning, though, and I get why. Some people have no experience with "urban" safety (even though this isn't a big city) and they want us to err on the safe side. I exercise way more caution here than I did at 3 a.m. in Uptown. We don't walk around at night, I sometimes leave my wallet at home and just carry a license and a small amount of cash. I might be a little over-cautious, but that's fine.

Anyway, it was a simple race. Up the hill, down the hill. One water station at the 1.25 mile mark. I ran into the teaching fellow for my pastoral care class and a few new friends from school. I did it in 27 minutes. Not fast for all you... fast people, but it's below a 9-minute mile (8:41), which is better than fine for me.

Back to reading. This week: more of Your Spirit Walks Beside Us (Diane Savage), God's New Israel (Conrad Cherry) and America's God (Mark Noll), various pastoral care readings (Tillich, Patton), and Pragmatism (William James - yessss).

Also: check out the Middle Passages Conversations on Black Religion in the African Diaspora that were held at YDS last year. I don't really like to listen to these things online, as we have to do for one of my classes, but they're interesting. Maybe you're into this kind of stuff.